Dear Winifred

Urrrrrrr! Mmmmmmph!

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 02:43:29 GMT

Readersssss,

Weeee haavve taakkkkken ovvver theee essstate. Laaaady Wiiiinnnniffreddd isssss....ressssttting. Yesssss...rrrressssttting. Therrrre issss nnnooo nnnneeeedddd ttttooo wwworry. Rrrressssting, nnnnotttt lockedd innnn theee wwwwinne cellarrrr.

Ssssincerely,

Theee Zzzzombbbieees

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Aviary Philosophy and Religious Pecking Orders

Wed, 14 Jul 2004 17:54:25 GMT

Dear Winifred,

I have recently encountered something deeply disturbing, and as befits one who is become the foremost guru of the weird on the Internet, I thought of you. Please, please, devote at least a snippet of your resources to finding out if these people are serious or just trying to pull my leg. I actually got this link e-mailed to me as part of an interest group e-mail list I subscribe to. http://www.pigeonreligion.org/ This has to be a joke. . . doesn't it?

Signed,
Bothered by Birds

Dear Bothered,

No, no...I'm afraid they're quite serious. Wrong, mind you...but serious. As any student of aviary theology will tell you, the one true flying church is the Aquatic Temple of the Ducki Lama. All others are but molting imitators. Especially ones dedicated to sky-rats. Obviously false prophets.

However, just because one religion has claimed dominion over all things feathery, that doesn't mean you have to be bereft of faith. May I point you towards the Cult Construction Kit, where you can create your own religion and join the theosophical wars?

Quackingly,

Winifred

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Smoldering Zombies and Elder Gods

Mon, 12 Jul 2004 13:38:40 GMT

Dearest readers,

I apologize for my absence last week. You know kids and the 4th of July celebrations. It always takes me a week or so to find all the smoldering zombies and put them out. And now, I return you to letters from people weirder than you.

Sincerely,

Winifred

Dear Winifred,

I greatly fear our little New England village has fallen under a curse!

A disaster struck out little church last Sunday in the middle of services. The supplicants we'd captured the week before were lined up, according to blood type, and Reverend Arthur had commenced the usual invocation when out of the blue, the altar emitted a loud moan and collapsed. Something very much like sheet lightning lashed through the building, killing all the supplicants, stunning half the congregation and setting the pews on fire. We rescued whom we could and rushed outside.

Once we were all outside, a mephitic, gelatinous mass emerged from a sinkhole and engulfed Reverend Arthur. The poor fellow uttered one thin little scream before disappearing beneath the surface. The ground had barely sealed over his much loved grey head when a gigantic crow flew overhead. It befouled us as we huddled in our misery, and swooped down to snatch Goody Harkin from the comforting arms of her husband. The force must have broken her neck. She made no sound as she was carried off into the clouds.

As the oldest surviving parishioner, I was appointed to deliver the grim news to the bishop. Much to my dismay, he started chittering and making clumsy pawing motions with his hands. Just as I turned to leave, he ripped the flesh off his head to reveal a hideous rodent's face. Needle sharp fangs glistened in his mouth as he advanced. I brained him with my walking stick and fled.

What on earth could have gone wrong? The scope of the disaster precludes the usual forensic measures; not one of us is qualified to read entrails and even if one could, we have no supplicants left.

Please shed some light on this mystery, Lady Kensington-Smythe, for it seems as though our traditional way of life is coming to a ghastly end!

Timor Mortis

Dear Tim,

May I just take a moment to say how much I've enjoyed your appearance in verse, rhyme and gravestones? Your family does lovely work.

As to the issue at hand, I've found that once the Shoggoth show up, the party is generally over. If the Byakhee (not to be confused with the Bakshi) start carrying people off, then not only is the party over, but the maids are trying to clean up around you. I know you mentioned a crow...but in these times of chaos and despair, it's often easy to mistake one flying predator from another. Especially while one's pastor is being eaten by pets of the Primordial Ones.

Running out of supplicants does complicate issues...but I think we can work around it. I can think of a couple solutions that may still save your hamlet and it's unique way of life. There's always the "tao of the child" method...which would be to put your hands in your pockets, whistle nonchalantly, wander aimlessly away from the pit of evil for a few feet, then run like hell and never look back. It's a big ol country, you can rebuild. Or, get an elder sign. (Yes, I do realize the inherent difficulty, but I'm not the one who let Nyarlathotep loose, am I?) Try using said elder sign to patch up and seal that little dimensional rift you seem to have caused. If that doesn't work, you could always try using the Necrominicon to banish the beasties back to where they belong. Of course, you'll probably go insane and try to eat your own face...but these are the risks one takes when one plays with godlike anthromoporphic goo.

Best of luck,

Winifred

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To Arms! To Arms!

Wed, 30 Jun 2004 16:27:49 GMT

Dear Winifred,

Long time reader, first time poster. Love your work.

I have a quick question about etiquette. I know that in this day and age the ancient arts of politeness and prandial finesse are speedily becoming the realm of the aged and boring, but I feel that at a time like this expert advice on the finer nuances is required.

In the latest staff reshuffle at my office, I have been obliged to reapply for my own job, the one that I have been performing with admirable competency for some time now. In the interests of fairness, this job was advertised to the public, and a number of applicants have come forward. Interviews commence next week. Although I am quite certain of success in this particular endeavor, I wish to clarify a small point with regard to the other applicants:

Should my zombie hordes be equipped with kitchen-knives or fire-axes when I send them on a murderous spree against my competition? When dealing with annoying parasites such as these, is a jab to the groin or the hacking-off of a head more appropriate?

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

T.P., esq.

Dear T.,

One is terribly sorry to hear that the brainless have taken over your corporate endeavor and have thereby inconvenienced you. It's especially unpleasant because one can't even promise one's horde a snack once playtime is over. And you know how zombie hordes can get if they don't have a snack and a nap after an morning of mayhem.

I am of the opinion that arming the zombie hordes is akin to gilding the lily. They always drop them, forget them, or accidentally kill each other anyway...so, I suggest that you don't waste the budget on cutlery. However, if you find that your unarmed zombie hordes are not enough to frighten the competition into packing up and moving to Belgium, I do happen to have a contingent of MBA zombies...and trust me, nothing will clear an office faster than a shuffling mob chanting "Synergy! Synergy! Brain drain!" I'd be happy to box them up and ship them to you should you need the assistance.

Competitively,
Winifred

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Mon, 28 Jun 2004 13:23:03 GMT

Dear Winifred,

There is a backstabbing girl named Elisha, my friend named Jessica and a guy I am in love with named Kevin. My problem is complex but I think you can help. Elisha and Jessica are best friends. They were friends with Kevin until recently when he admitted that he didn't like Jessica because she is weird. Though this is true she was very hurt. I want to be friends with them both (obviously a little 'closer' to Kevin) but I don't know what sort of things my ex-friend elisha has been telling them and Jessica doesn't seem to be a genuine friend, she says she is but I never hang out with her or anything because she is always with elisha. I know elisha told Kevin I like him but I don't know what exactly she told him.

My key questions:
1) how do I get rid of elisha before she totally destroys my life
2) do I stay friends with Jessica and/or Kevin
3) what's your advise on how to make a guy fall for you

Sincerely,
for love or friendship.

Dear Flor,
Good Lord child, I had to get out graph paper and do Venn diagrams to figure out this Gordian knot of teen angst. So, let me see if I've got this right:

Elisha - evil, friends with Jessica, not so much with you or Kevin

Jessica - weird, friends with Elisha, not so much with you or Kevin

Kevin - return status of affection for you = unknown, knowledge imparted by Eliza, unknown

You - friends with and "in love" with Kevin

You - wishing you were friends with Jessica, but not seeing much return of affection.

Unless you live in a tiny hamlet tucked off in the wilderness, or a secluded convent and Kevin is the only earthy stable hand, I would suggest that you make new friends. Talk to Kevin, and tell him how you feel. Worse case scenario, he tells you that he doesn't return the feelings, which will hurt for a while, but frees you up to look elsewhere for that sort of relationship. As to friends and former friends...sometimes it's just easier to cut your losses rather than to climb a fruitless tree.

In response to your questions:

I can't think of any that don't involve duct tape, cross country trains and a gypsy carnival somewhere in Budapest.

Given the situation as you've explained it, I'd pick the boy...or at least give the boy a chance to be chosen.

Cracking open the dust covered ancient and rustling grimoires reveals that the best love spells all involve graveyard dirt from the grave of someone who loved you...but, I'm unwilling share the rest of the recipe. The last thing I need is more people running around in the graveyard. Interferes with my plans for global domination using my army of undead, don't you know.

Spookily,

Winifred

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Wed, 23 Jun 2004 13:18:13 GMT

Dear Winifred,

I work for a major corporate entity. A few years ago, my co-workers and I noticed a disturbing trend in new employee hires. The people coming in every day had bright smiles and were adept at gladhanding, but their technical skills were sadly lacking. The worst of the bunch was man I'll call Melvin.

Melvin was the living embodiment of the great klutz god. You could call him an avatar of infectious mediocrity. Everything he touched, every effort he made at "helping" turned months or years of work to blasted ruins. The people who were forced to work with him developed tics and mysterious illnesses that kept them home from work. Melvin would greet them on their return, wan and shaking in their convalescence, and talk about his MBA -- even when it was clear no one was listening. He was horrible and, what's worse, he had the ear of upper management.

What is one to do in such circumstances? We were careful to dispose of the body where it would never be found. After a few weeks, we stopped twitching in our cubicles and looking over our shoulders. Things were definitely looking up, as much as they ever do in the corporate environment. At least until this morning.

The veep from human resources led a shambling, loathsome, stinking creature into the office and "asked" us to greet our new team leader. It spit out a few teeth when it cleared its throat and said something that sounded like "mellllllvinnnn hass un embeeyay". While we were vomiting, it ate most of the toner cartridges in the printing room.

You are the only one who can help us now, dearest Winifred. On behalf of my fellows, I humbly request your sage advice.

Doomed and despairing in Dallas

Dear Doomed,

I believe I have a solution. There was a while there when SMU was just sending us Volvo after Volvo of zombified MBA graduates, so I've developed the ability to speak in their strange and forbidden tongue. I want you to stand in front of Melvin. Tell him that you believe there is synergy between his skills and this job posting at a friend's company. Read him the following: (But I warn you that it could stun those around you. Aural contraception is recommended for bystanders.)

Join an industry leader in delivering specialty and industrial solutions! At KSE Industries, we are realigning core competencies and bringing a strategic presence to corporate ethos. This position is key to our success. Delayering the corporate structure revealed a stalling catalyst of change. Based on structural considerations, sustainable competitive goals of value added market strategy must be brought to market. You will be joining an experienced senior management team that has delivered solid ROI already, and is leveraging our industry leading reputation into rapid growth. Our incentive realignment broadens our horizons towards strong, even decaying applicants.

While he is reeling from the onslaught, shuffle him downstairs and into the waiting Bentley. We'll take him from there. We have a whole little village of them...he'll be happier amongst his own, realigning responsive organizational concepts.

Masterly,

Winifred

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Mon, 21 Jun 2004 13:20:46 GMT

Dear Winifred,

I have recently been so blessed as to fall in love with my best friend, a feeling she enthusiastically returns. The problem is, we live close to a thousand miles apart with little hope of meeting anytime soon. What's your take on long-distance (not to mention interracial) relationships? Any suggestions?

Signed,
Smitten in Smyrna

Dear Smitten,

Any relation to our canine friend of last week? No? Well, to the problem at hand, then.

Ah, the perils of long distance dating. On the one hand their flaws aren't apparent, they're not driving you up a wall with the snoring thing at 3 a.m., you're never aware of that disgusting thing they do in the smallest room, her cats haven't yakked up a grasshopper in your favorite shoes...and thus, much civility is preserved.

But on the other hand, you aren't getting to know them on a level that happens when you spend time together. You don't get to see how the corners of her eyes crinkle when she laughs, you don't get to see if that cute sneeze is as funny in person as it is on the phone, and there's not a lot of making the beast with two backs.

I have my doubts about the viability of long distance relationships where the people have *never* met in person...as online personalities are very rarely the entire person. But in cases where an existing relationship experiences separation for periods of time due to work, school, travel, whatever, then long distance relationships are quite feasible. As to interracial, as long as you're in love with something that is mammalian, walks upright, has opposable thumbs, and doesn't fling waste at company, I'm going to assume that you've found a human, which I recommend - as races go.

Hopefully,

Winifred

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Moon over my daughter

Wed, 16 Jun 2004 13:56:06 GMT

Dear Winifred,

A friend of mine went camping last weekend and when he came back he gave me an adorable puppy. I was a little bit reluctant to adopt her I named her Melisande), but she looked so winsome and needy that I couldn't help myself. The cats didn't seem to object too much and everything looked like it was going to work out just fine.

Well, yesterday morning I found the cutest baby sleeping in Melisande's bed and the puppy was gone! I called around, but none of the neighbors are missing a baby and none of them have seen my puppy. I tried to explain what had happened to the police, but the man who answered the phone suggested I'd been taking drugs and hung up on me abruptly. Then the baby started crying.

When I picked up the baby to feed her, she made a very peculiar sound and bit me hard enough to draw blood. I was surprised, of course, but I was able to get her to drink some milk and settle down. She really is a sweetie when she's not frustrated and hungry and if no one comes to claim her, I'm happy to give her a home. It would be nice if I could get Melisande back so the little girl I've named her Marguerite) can have a friend. I would be grateful for advice on how one goes about retrieving lost or stolen puppies. Can you help me?

Bitten and smitten

Dear Bitten,

You may want to sit down and fortify yourself with drink. It would appear that your "friend" has been playing at silly buggers during the full moon. Some men are such dogs.

On the plus side, you'll have a very loyal daughter, albeit one that eats kibble during certain phases of the month. I'd start planning now for things like extra large pet doors, perhaps changing the knobs on your doors to lever type closures, put pull ropes on the cabinets she may need during her... time of the month, if you will. Also, you might want to lose the silver jewelry and consider moving to the country. But other than that, I'm sure things will be just fine. You'll see...I mean, I have an estate full of undead and other than some periodic payoffs to the neighbors, things are fine.

How much trouble could one little werewolf be?

Moonily yours,

Winifred

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Duck, duck, goose

Mon, 14 Jun 2004 13:09:45 GMT

Dear Winifred,
I'd like to keep a duck for myself. What do you do with ducks? Do you take baths with them? If you did, wouldn't the bathtub water surface be covered in ducks? Would you pay a ransom for your ducks? Do you think that at night, when you are sleeping, the ducks come up to your ears and whisper soft brain-wash type stuff to you?

Signed,
Quack Questioner

Darling Quack,
Ducks are a great deal of responsibility. I have my ducks polished and waterproofed. Then it's safe to let them near water, such as a bathtub. Asking how many ducks can fit on the surface of the tub water is like unto asking how many angles can dance on a pin. Ducks, like angels, will fill the available space. No, I wouldn't pay ransom for my ducks, as my ducks are trained Anatidae of Dooooom! Fear them and their fowl tempers. No, the whispers at night are The Truths...ducks are our salvation. Ducks are good. We love the ducks.

Just Duckily,

Winifred

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Idiots do vex me

Wed, 09 Jun 2004 13:07:24 GMT

Dear Winifred,
This is eerie, and is something to think about! America is typically represented by an eagle. Saddam should have read up on his Muslim passages. The following verse is from the Quran, (the Islamic Bible)

Quran (9:11) -- For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; and there was peace.

( Note the verse number!!!!!)

Signed,
Proven Right!!!!!

Dear Blithering Idiot,

Firstly, use of more than two exclamation points is a sure sign of an unhinged mind...but let us put that aside for the moment. Secondly, I generally try to keep this column non-political, but this is really too much.

Let me begin with the basics. Al-Qur'an is divided into Juz (parts), Surahs (chapters) and Ayat (verses). Juz 09 doesn't have an eleven....it runs from 7:88 through 7:206, and primarily deals with Sabbath practices, forgiveness, speaking for justice, ignoring the ignorant (a lesson I've never learned) and listening to the Qur'an in silence when it is being read aloud.

The only thing that could come close to being a 9:11 would be Chapter 9; the Surah of At-Tauba...which is the proclamation to dissolve the Treaty of Hudeybiyah. The section of that chapter which contains verses 9:7-9:11 is the Commandment of Allah to honor the treaty so long as the unbelievers honor it. And I quote: "But (even so), if they repent, establish regular prayers, and practice regular charity,- they are your brethren in Faith: (thus) do We explain the Signs in detail, for those who understand. "

So, in fact, what 9:11 says is that all those who repent, pray, and engage in charity are brothers in faith. The Qur'an recognizes the religions that worship God (that were present in that part of the world at that time--Jews, Christians, Sabians), and says their adherents will be saved (2:62 and 5:69).
There is not anything remotely like that "quotation" anywhere else in the Qur'an. It isn't even written a style that's close.

The word "eagle" does not appear anywhere in the Qur'an in any of the three translations that are easily accessible to someone who doesn't read Arabic (Yusuf Ali, Pickthal, and Shakir). There are 15 Ayat (verses) that contain the word "birds" (as in "birds of prey," a possible substitute for "eagles"), and 4 that contain the word "bird." Most of these are clearly talking about literal birds (such as birds singing praise to Allah, birds being given life by Allah, the miracle of flight being given by Allah), and none of them are anything like the "quotation" you seem to hold as proof that invading Iraq was a God given right of the Bush regime.

As an aside, the word "Arabia" does not appear anywhere in the Qur'an either. There is only one Ayah that contains the word "Arab," and that has to do with the Qur'an being revealed to Muhammad in Arabic.

Islam is not the enemy. Muslims are not the enemy. Arabs are not the enemy. People who make up lies to justify the killing of thousands and thousands of innocents on both sides of a war so that they can reap the profits of their blood money are the enemy...may they spend an eternity with eagles pecking out their livers.

Angrily,

Winifred

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Weaving the World Wide Weird

Mon, 07 Jun 2004 13:12:27 GMT

Dear Winifred,
I got emailed some article entitled Top Ten Internet Fads - A look back at what made the internet worth surfing. But, most of the links don't work...and I want to see what has made the internet so great. Can you help a brother out?

Signed
Googled

Dear Googled

It was seanbaby who wrote that for Wave Magazine. Now, I disagree with most of his choices, while others I found fairly amusing. However, I've found other spots for you to see some of the madness.

For example...the scary live action players...which I find funny in an "gee, I wonder what my ex-boyfriend is doing these days" kinda way, can be found here. From the ow, ow, ow! files...the infamous atlanta grapes mpg can probably be found here. Although, to be honest, I fail to see why A.) this would be considered funny...and B.) How it possibly made it onto a top ten list. I will grant you that Star Wars Kid was funny in it's original. Many of the spoofs were funny. Here's a better link than the Wave had. This one is my personal fave.

But if I were creating a Internet List of Top Weirdness...here's some that I think would have to be included: (in no particular order)

Badgers, Badgers, Badgers...Mushroom, Mushroom

Gonads and Strife

End of the World

Peter Pan guy (warning...obnoxious midi...may blow up mozilla browsers)

Hercubush

Flying Guy (one of my personal faves)

Anything from the Camp Chaos gang...but Naptster Bad and the Crocodile Hunter on the Playground are amongst my faves.

Mondo Mini Shows - who didn't love Thugs on Film and the God and Devil Show?

I'm a Cow,

and of course Cows with Guns.

But my readers are a crazed web-riding, information-surfing bunch, perhaps they have weirdness that I've missed that they'd like to share?

Surftastically,

Winifred

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Wed, 26 May 2004 13:12:35 GMT

Dear Winifred,
After a few really frustrating relationships, I found a really wonderful guy and we're going to be married. He's smart, funny, intelligent, honest, and a really good friend. The problem is that I don't think he pays enough attention to me. For instance, if I call him during the day he can't always talk to me, or if I send him a loving email, he doesn't answer it right away. I find myself resenting doing those things if he isn't going to reciprocate. What can I do to get him to do the things I want? Is there a good way to train a man?

Signed,
Damsel in Distress

Dear Distressed,
Most certainly men can be trained. For instance, many of them now place the seat back in the correct position when they are finished using the potty. Many men hold doors open and will hail a cab for you if you're polite and say thank you. Certain men can be trained to hold tantric positions for hours and hours...in fact it's a prerequisite for being a pool boy here at the estate. (That and being able to make a good martini...I'll overlook many flaws for a well made martini.) As to your particular request, I might say that men cannot be trained by cloying vacuums of need.

At the risk of being unseemly, One tends to think that you're asking about training the wrong person. You say he's wonderful, funny and honest, and yet you want him snap trained so that he instantly answers your silly notes and constant phone barrage? Are you mad, woman? The poor thing is probably a saint for dealing with your incessant demands for attention. Honestly darling, get a dog if you want something to train. And could you pass the funny, honest, intelligent guy along to one of the women who promises to love him without trying to train him to imitate a poodle?

Barkingly,

Winifred

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Mon, 24 May 2004 13:26:23 GMT

Dear Winifred,

I met this girl that I really like. After we had been dating for a while, we decided to make the beast with two backs. She told me she was a virgin, and asked me to get "protection" on the way to her house. I stopped by a drugstore to buy some condoms. Because I was slightly embarrassed about buying condoms, I was making small talk the lady who rang up my purchase and foolishly blurted out something like "I think I'm gonna get lucky tonight!".

So, imagine my surprise when I went to pick up my girlfriend that night and the lady who answered the door was the same lady who rang up my purchase that afternoon. I was so embarrassed I couldn't speak. Fortunately, my girlfriend was ready on time, and we managed to leave after a brief introduction.

We had a grand old night, but I didn't tell her that her mom was who rang up the condoms. I now am feeling guilty and uneasy. Should I say something and get it over with or keep quiet? -

Signed,
Rubbery

Dear Rubbery,

It is so cute when you kids try to pull one over on Winifred. It really is. But you forget my little angel, I read my parent's Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers comics, I own a copy of Lewis Grizzard's book "Don't Bend Over in the Garden, Granny, You Know Them Taters Got Eyes", and I know how to type snopes.com into an address bar.

I'm the tiniest bit hipper and a whole lot more wired than Ms. Landers, doncha know.

Prophylactically,

Winifred

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When babies are a bad idea...

Fri, 21 May 2004 13:36:01 GMT

Dear Winifred,

My boyfriend and I have been talking about having a baby. (I'm 16, he's 29.) Babies are so cute and adorable, and I thought if I had one why I was still in high school, then I'd have my figure back quickly and not look like those fat ladies I see at the Piggly-Wiggly. I found a matchbook that had a school on the back that said I could get a college degree from home, so I could study and take care of the baby at the same time. I'd like your advice on how to tell my parents that I want to make them grandparents.

Signed,
Fertile Felicity

Dear Fertile,

Oh, little babysitter precious...you have no idea what you're getting yourself into. Granted, babies are cute, especially when you can give them back to their parents when it comes time to change diapers, deal with colic, projectile vomiting, and the absolute utter refusal to sleep. I also think you may not have thought about the puppy-eating, gerbil-dismembering, blood-drinking, devil-worshiping stage that so many babies are prone to do. Not all mind you, but how do you know you won't have a goth baby? Hmmm? You don't.

You should go to college...a real one...with a campus and professors and beer drinking contests, you should take your birth control pills, and you should let your Daddy shoot that no-good, teen molesting, pervert of a boyfriend of yours. If you live in the South, which you must if you're in proximity to a "piggly-wiggly", shooting him falls under the "he needed killing" laws, so there probably won't be much trouble about it. Just have your Momma make sure your dogs are hungry and the chainsaw is gassed up.

White Trashily,
Winifred

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The Welcome Wagon is no more

Wed, 19 May 2004 13:21:07 GMT

Dear Winifred,

We recently purchased a home in a new subdivision. The only neighbor to come by so far to welcome us and introduce himself has been a young boy of seven who wanted to play with our puppy. Since it's been a few weeks, I was thinking of taking the initiative and going to introduce myself. My husband thinks that the neighbors should welcome us and that I shouldn't do anything. What think you?

Signed,
Neighborly

Dear Neighborly,

I understand your husband's reticence...as I rarely know who lives in the cottages that border my estate...until, that is, the zombies visit, in which case I usually end up meeting just one of the residents. (Usually the fastest one, truth be told.) And were this the 1950's, decorum would state that you should wait for the local welcoming committee to arrive with coffee cake and begin to surreptiously examine your house and belongings for flaws.

But, this isn't the 50's, and if you take the initiative to visit them, you can examine their ratty carpets and child-stained furniture instead. Keep in mind that they may just be letting you settle in and unpack, or perhaps your house used to belong to a roving biker gang bent on mayhem and they're just waiting to see if you've a Harley stashed somewhere just waiting for a chance to run over their poodle. Then again, you may have moved into a Stepford community and they're just waiting for the perfect opportunity in which to drug you and force you into compliance. It's always so hard to tell in the suburbs, really.

Welcomingly,

Winifred

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Mon, 17 May 2004 14:44:05 GMT

Dear Winifred,

You are a lady of class and distinction, and therefore, I'm sure you can answer this question. Why do some bottles of wine and champagne have cone-shaped bottoms?

Signed,
Oenophile Wannabe

Dear Oneo,

Why, yes...as a matter of fact, I do know that. The indented bottom, called a punt, used used in the process of riddling or remuage when vintners are following the traditional method of making sparkling wines. The bottles are placed in special racks with the top of one snuggled into the punt of the next, then gradually tipped upside down. This causes sediment to settle into the neck of the bottle. The sediment can then be easily removed before final corking.

In "still" wines...or wines without bubbles, the punt serves a rather nefarious purpose, in that it creates the impression that you are getting more wine in the bottle than you actually are. The punt displaces almost one (correctly served) glass of wine.

Nippingly,

Winifred

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Bunnies, Bunnies, Everywhere...

Wed, 12 May 2004 13:20:23 GMT

Dear Winifred,
For Easter my husband brought our children a pair of bunnies. Needless to say, we are now ankle deep in bunnies. What should I do?

Signed,
Hopping Mad

Dear Hopping,
As I see it, there are a few options you may pursue. The first is that you may try to convince the Easter Bunnies to lay easter eggs. Alternately, you could ship the bunnies to a remote unused hotel, preferably in another state. You could start the North American Oolong Fan Club and Pancake Repository. You could show your children where chocolate bunnies come from. But, were it my estate that was infested with bunnies, I believe I'd have Cook try a few of these . Le Filet De Lapin A La Moutarde looks hop, hop, hopping good.

Stewingly,

Winifred

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Farm Fresh Deception

Mon, 10 May 2004 13:28:56 GMT

Dear Winifred,

i'm going through a divorce. i fell in love with this guy Chris about a year ago. i met him at my bestfriend's farm. he showed interest in me and so i got a divorce. well, chris is 28 and was a virgin until we met. i took his virginity 2 months ago....that was the first and last time we slept together. he wants to mess around with me, he doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't want to see other people, he keeps coming back to me, i dont' know what to do. i love him more than anything in this world and all i ask is to be his girlfriend. is that too much to ask for? he's all worried about his parents...he wants so badly to please them. and he's worried about this and that........he says he needs to find someone that will accept that he gets emergency calls to fires and stuff like that.i can accept that. hello. does he not see me? what the hell? all i want is for him to hold me and kiss me and tell me he loves me. i'm 20 years old and i feel like i'm 12 again running after an immature boy. my best friend paula who's 39 keeps telling me to not give up on him, this is just how he is. eventually he'll come around. but it's hard. i'm so scared.

Farm Fresh

Dear Farm Fresh,

Oh sweetie, you didn't fall for the old "I'm a virgin waiting for the right person" line did you? From a 28 year old man? Really? I had no idea that line would work after high school. Who knew? I mean, that line ranks right up there with "I could die if you don't touch it", "the check is in the mail," and a third which you may too young to hear. There are only a few instances in which I could conceivably believe that a 28 year old man was a virgin.

1.) He's as sclerotic_rings likes to call them, A CatPiss Man...you know the type, a die-hard Trek fan, collects comics in mylar bags that never get opened, lives with a dozen animals and hasn't been out of his mother's basement since the 1980's, or,

2.) he's a serious religious adherent and is saving himself for marriage, or

3.) he's gay and hasn't come out of the closet even to himself.

In none of those cases does it seem likely that he would then give up his vow of collecting every mint edition of the X-Men, or waiting for marriage, or a nice boy named Brad in order to jump your married, barely out of your teens, bones.

I'm just saying that he sounds like a game player. I'd bet even odds that he never expected you to leave your husband, and now that you have, he's backpedaling as fast as his little feet can carry him.

But leaving the "virgin" behind for just a moment, let's consider your situation. A divorce is a sticky and stressful situation. It's not uncommon for women in the midst of them to have a vicious case of the "rebound hornies". Just keep in mind that most of the emotions being fueled at this point are rarely feelings of depth, so much as they broadly felt.

I think now may be the time for you to step back, and at the risk of sounding like a therapist, take some time to fall in love with yourself. Make some plans and some goals, figure out where you want to be in 10 years. If you must consider a partner, think about what sort of person you'd want to be with at the end of that 10 years. Think about the kind of partner that could help you reach those goals.

Sex is easy. Anybody...except probably the CPM, can have sex. Knowledge of self...not so easy, and most people never think to try. Your letter makes you sound very young, very naive, and probably very trusting. All of which, unfortunately, you grow out of. It's up to you to define the pattern your growth will follow.

Sagely,

Winifred

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Ah spring, when zombie thoughts turn towards summer

Fri, 07 May 2004 13:25:24 GMT

Dearest Readers,

I apologize for the lack of letters lately. You see, summer is just around the corner, and as everyone knows, that's the busiest season for zombies. What with all the teenagers out of school, sneaking into abandoned summer camps, or ancient burial mounds, or a rusty 1969 Plymouth, to strip themselves naked and throw themselves into youthful orgiastic excesses...what zombie could resist?

So, to gear themselves up, they've been shuffling around the estate at all hours of the day and night, training themselves to not fall over when a shoe is thrown at them, and working on the lyrics to their union song. It's really quite tedious, but these minor inconvenience are just the price one pays for having one's own rotting horde of doom, I suppose.

But to avoid all the groaning, rattling, gasping and muttering, I retired to my library...where I forgot to check the mail. Silly me. This weekend I'm going to try to herd the zombies back towards the shark tanks, and then I shall be able to contemplate your letters and queries at my leisure, and respond next week.

And if you haven't asked for my advice, I'll offer some; you should. Here I am, a lone evil genius, surrounded by zombies, carnivorous mazes, shark infested moats and crazed servants...has there ever been a more secure oracle? Besides, you want to be on my good side when I finally launch the plans for total universal domination.

*cue mad scientist music*

*cue crazed laughter*

Maniacally,

Winifred

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Diamonds on the heels of her toast

Mon, 03 May 2004 13:09:13 GMT

Dear Winifred,

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible blackened carbonized lump which no decent human being would eat?

Signed,

Toasty

Dear Toasty,

It's a secret plot by the diamond cartel. See, you make these carbonized lumps, and then throw them away. Your lumps, along with the carbonized lumps of all your neighbors are sorted from the other detritus and are carted away to a secret location, where ex-NASA scientists place extraordinary pressure on the lumps. (Often by giving them insane deadlines and no resources.) With the addition of old mayonnaise and crumpled foil candy wrappers, your toast is turned into diamonds...well, almost diamonds...which are then marketed back to you at obscenely high costs.

I know it's hard to believe, but it's true. Goodness knows I would never make anything up.

Glitteringly,

Winifred

GFM seeks GFF

Fri, 23 Apr 2004 13:19:24 GMT

Dear Winifred,

How should a god-fearing Christian man go about finding a wife in this heathen filled world? Can you give me any direction? Would you like to marry me?

Signed,
Thumper

Dear Thumper,

Somehow I think that my zombie filled estate and the naked dancing pagan rituals in the garden are unlikely to meet your needs, but it's always flattering to be asked. So, thank you...but no. As to how you should find a wife, I shall reference your holy book for advice, seeing how I'm not all together qualified to answer how one hunts and traps Christian women.

Paul, in Corinthians 7:32-35 says that it's better to not touch a woman...but you know, Paul never did much care for the ladies. If you want to follow in the steps of the the Jewish kid from Nazareth, you could become sinless, die in atonement for other people's sins, and then all the nuns will be the Brides of Thumper...but that's an awful lot of work...and that coming back after the dead part is a hard trick to learn. I mean, you only get one shot to get it right.

David, in Samuel 18:27 suggests cutting off the foreskins of 200 enemies of your future father-in-law...but people get cranky when one attempts to do impromptu surgery on their nether bits. You could always start your own empire and hold a beauty contest. (Esther 2:3-4) Or, you could follow in the steps of Solomon and make up for quality with quantity. But you may have to convert to being a Mormon to get away with it.

Then there's the rational answer, which is get thee to a church. Go to the Sunday functions. Eat chicken and drink lemonade at the socials. Make nice with the parents who will likely throw their daughters at an eligible Christian male. Just avoid the preacher's daughter. I don't want to corrupt you by telling you why...but trust me when I tell you that you're batting way out of your league there.

Biblically,

Winifred

Oh! Henry!

Wed, 21 Apr 2004 13:00:39 GMT

Dear Winifred,

I'm about to be married to a really wonderful man. But, we recently saw Henry Rollins on tour, and now I can't stop fantasizing about him. Is that wrong? Should I tell my betrothed?

Rolling for Rollins

Dear Rolling,

Oh sweetie, if you only knew the things Henry Rollins does in my dream dungeons...I think it might even embarrass him. I can get overheated just thinking about his tattoos. That said, fantasy is a normal part of a healthy libido. I can guarantee that in his private bathroom moments, your betrothed is not always thinking of you. (Unless, of course, you're a swimsuit model...and then, I bet he fantasizes about the little round girl who brings him coffee.)

If you feel that by not telling him you're being dishonest, then by all means share the love. Maybe he'll wear the tattoos and scream in the bedroom, you never know. But I don't think that keeping a few secrets like fantasy, never-going-to-happen, crushes is a bad thing. Mystery is one of the best things a woman can have going for her. Let him wonder why you're just the tiniest bit flushed and wearing a happy smile. Just remember, in real life, keep your conniving, swimsuit model, thong-wearing hands off my Henry. He's mine, I tell you! Mine! But you can have Keanu Reeves if you want.

Black Flaggingly,

Winifred

How to assure that your children will plot your demise...

Mon, 19 Apr 2004 13:16:24 GMT

Dear Winifred,

"I'm considering naming my first-born child either Br4d or J4n37, depending on gender. My wife isn't too keen on the idea but there's plenty of time left to persuade her. Anyway, it had me wondering whether there are any people out there with real l337 speak given names (or even just a digit in their name). Do you know of any? Other than people saying your dad is a l4m3r, What are the possible pitfalls of having a digit in your name? Is it legal to have a digit in a name? Am I guaranteeing my child becomes a misfit? Am I the misfit?"

Pr0ud D4ddy

Dear PD,

No sweetie, what makes you a l4m3r and a misfit is copying an April Fool's joke from Slashdot and thinking I wouldn't know. Honestly, you kids today...thinking that just because I live in a musty old estate surrounded by zombies and carnivorous plants that I'm not l33t. I mean, evil geniuses get DSL too, you know, even when the poor guy laying the wire had to wear a shark cage to get through the moat. A very dedicated man...it's too bad the giant squid can fit through the bars of a shark cage, really.

That said, Br4d is no worse than naming your child [yourname] 2.0, as these people did. On the other hand, there's Bo3b Johnson, one of the original Apple digerati...and he seems to do just fine. Of course, the 3 is silent.

So 1337 that I'm 1787569,

Winifred

breakups, girlfriends and ex-beaus

Wed, 07 Apr 2004 12:14:48 GMT

Dear Winifred,

I broke up with a beau of more than a year over the Christmas holidays, and now it seems that he and my best friend are becoming very close. The other day, she asked how I would feel about them seeing each other romantically. I very much love them both and want them to be happy, yet it's like being stabbed in the heart by both of them. What should I do?

Painfully,
Heartbroken Again

Dear Heartbroken,

It's questions like this that make me wish it were still legal to shoot people for stupidity. Not yours, angel darling, but your friend...and especially your ex. One thing that women learn as they get older is that friendships with women are rarer and more valuable than the passing fancy for a pleasingly filled out pair of trousers. My dearest friend and I have been friends for decades now, and the one firm rule we've always had is that once one of us touches a man, he's off limits for the other one for as long as the earth rotates around the sun.

I think you should tell your friend that you're not comfortable with it, that you won't be able to see them together, and that you consider it a betrayal of your trust and friendship for her to even consider going where you've already been. Tell her that you love them both, but that them together is more than you can be expected to tolerate. If she's any sort of friend at all, she'll put her estrogen back in neutral and back away from the precipice that would end your friendship. And if she doesn't, as hard as it will be for awhile, you're better off without the both of them.

I'm sorry sweetie, I wish there were an easier answer. I wish that we were all so evolved that this situation wouldn't bother anyone...but we aren't, and it would. Best of luck, big hugs...and a clean hankie.

Hugs,

Winifred

Oh, but no...let the googlebombing begin

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 17:33:56 GMT

Dear Winifred,

Have you ever noticed that if you google the word "jew", that the first link is to an antisemitic site? What can we, as rational people, do to fix that?

Signed,
Disturbed

Dear Disturbed,
On this, the first day of Passover, I agree that something must be done. Ergo, with a little help from Sisyphus, (jmhm), let's googlebomb, shall we?

I think googlebombing can very easily get played out, but Crooked Timber has one I can definitely get behind.

Apparently the first hit for the word jew on Google is an antisemitic hate site. If you think its not a good idea for the first hit for the word jew on Google to be an antisemitic hate site, you might want to post the word jew on your blog with a link to the Wikipedia entry on the word jew.

Needless to say, people both in and outside the jewish community have lots of different ideas about what being jewish means, who is best qualified to define what a jew is, what the implications of judaism are politically, for both jews and non-jews, and how being jewish affects ones relationship to the non jewish cultures in which most of the worlds jews live.

Nonetheless, I do believe that we can agree that it sucks mightily to allow people who have gone to the trouble of setting up a website to spread hatred of jews provide the most influential definition on the worldwide web of what it means to be jewish.

On the occasion of the jewish high holy days, I think it would be nice if we got this straightened out, on behalf of the jewish people who are celebrating now, as well as the jewish people who have celebrated in the past.

Dig it. jews, jews, jews, just as far as the eye can see, doing that Seder thing.

So, happy holy days, whether you're jewish or not.

For more about jews, visit the Wikipedia entry "Jew".

Mazel tov,

Winifred